I don't think it's right of me to speak negatively of everything. I truly am an optimistic person. I think it has been yeeeaaaaars of questions and frustrations that I am letting spill forth. Oh man, I have been writing personal essays since I was 12. I remember writing a 2-page essay entitled "Chad" just because I thought he was the biggest poser in existance. Just an outlet for my anger. Anger is a delicious emotion and it is one of the easiest to get carried away with.
I must give credit to those who have entered my life and changed it drastically. Even if at the time it was a negative experience, I have always learned from them and have become a more aware person.
Especially these days, I have been meeting extraordinary kids my age that are feeling similar things and who are open to discussing such topics. Unfortunately, it sounds like we're just complaining (probably because we go to the same school and are stuck within the same scene).
Also, thank you to those that I've kept relationships with from my home town. The test of time has shown me that there are those who will be solid prevalent figures throughout the rest of my life.
This is a new start for me. As everyday of complaints and procrastination passes by, I feel that that is my motivation to overcome those obstacles. I need to repeat to myself what my problems are in order to get sick of them and move on.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Self
No one has ever known me. I have been surrounded by people who laugh and party at the same place, but no one truly knows me. My whole life has been a struggle to gain an identity but very few people can converse about these things as a general topic.
I am in that 1.5 generation split. I am Korean-American born in southern California. There are millions like me born of the same generation but I can't seem to find anyone that gets it. I think it's the narcissism that sets in. Yes, I am talking about myself and the questions that I have, but I want to know what others have to say about this. I think Brian Regan says it best when he encounters the "Me Monster." I can't seem to have a decent conversation about this with anyone without it turning into a monologue about themselves.
I am not truly Korean nor am I American. What the hell is American culture? I see it as the commercialization of holidays and a collection of racists. We are the drunk little brother of our older European brother. It's a frat party over here with guns and daddy's bank account. But at the same time I cannot agree to this entirely because it is the country that gave my family a fresh start. My parents moved here so that my brother and I could pursue careers with less social pressures.
But that doesn't mean anything! My parents moved here for "us" but I'm still expected to become a doctor/lawyer (wouldn't that be nice if I were both?) and hold a reputation with the Korean community that my mother is involved in. She talks shit about me to my face but I've learned that she speaks of me with the highest regard to her friends. Beefing me up to look like the perfect daughter.
This has caused a number of other psychological problems for myself and my family members. My father has dealt with it with violent alcoholism and my mother found herself as a born-again Christian. There is no in-between with them.
Ahhh but what is it to be Korean? To judge everyone and live as an elitist? To find success and happiness ONLY if you are making over $90,000 annually? To suppress any negativity to the point where you are beaten by your husband daily because the stew is not perfect?
You don't have to be Korean to understand what I mean. Anyone with any thoughts that differ from the outline that society has set for you is welcome to input an opinion.
I am in that 1.5 generation split. I am Korean-American born in southern California. There are millions like me born of the same generation but I can't seem to find anyone that gets it. I think it's the narcissism that sets in. Yes, I am talking about myself and the questions that I have, but I want to know what others have to say about this. I think Brian Regan says it best when he encounters the "Me Monster." I can't seem to have a decent conversation about this with anyone without it turning into a monologue about themselves.
I am not truly Korean nor am I American. What the hell is American culture? I see it as the commercialization of holidays and a collection of racists. We are the drunk little brother of our older European brother. It's a frat party over here with guns and daddy's bank account. But at the same time I cannot agree to this entirely because it is the country that gave my family a fresh start. My parents moved here so that my brother and I could pursue careers with less social pressures.
But that doesn't mean anything! My parents moved here for "us" but I'm still expected to become a doctor/lawyer (wouldn't that be nice if I were both?) and hold a reputation with the Korean community that my mother is involved in. She talks shit about me to my face but I've learned that she speaks of me with the highest regard to her friends. Beefing me up to look like the perfect daughter.
This has caused a number of other psychological problems for myself and my family members. My father has dealt with it with violent alcoholism and my mother found herself as a born-again Christian. There is no in-between with them.
Ahhh but what is it to be Korean? To judge everyone and live as an elitist? To find success and happiness ONLY if you are making over $90,000 annually? To suppress any negativity to the point where you are beaten by your husband daily because the stew is not perfect?
You don't have to be Korean to understand what I mean. Anyone with any thoughts that differ from the outline that society has set for you is welcome to input an opinion.
Art school nutsacs
2 1/2 years of relentless bullshit. Where are all the good people?
I do not mean to split San Francisco into columns of pros & cons. I am speaking of it as any city that someone had moved to for the first time without knowing anyone. It shows you the real problems that you never had to encounter living in your hometown of nteenth years, knowing the same people, and doing only what you thought was necessary to do.
Even the locals that I've met who grew up in this city have never really confronted such problems (prostitution, drugs, violence, etc.) until they were taken out of the scene and made to look at it from another perspective. Does it really take this sort of move to see things? Can one truly understand this in the comfort of their mother's home?
It makes me re-evaluate the relationship I had with friends from home. Who is to judge if you are better or not? Should I feel horrible that those "friends" I've had since 3rd grade are no longer the same folks and that I've moved on? I'm having so much trouble with this these days. I'll be moving back to Los Angeles within 2 years and I think that I am afraid of confronting the changes within that small community I call friends and family.
I do not mean to split San Francisco into columns of pros & cons. I am speaking of it as any city that someone had moved to for the first time without knowing anyone. It shows you the real problems that you never had to encounter living in your hometown of nteenth years, knowing the same people, and doing only what you thought was necessary to do.
Even the locals that I've met who grew up in this city have never really confronted such problems (prostitution, drugs, violence, etc.) until they were taken out of the scene and made to look at it from another perspective. Does it really take this sort of move to see things? Can one truly understand this in the comfort of their mother's home?
It makes me re-evaluate the relationship I had with friends from home. Who is to judge if you are better or not? Should I feel horrible that those "friends" I've had since 3rd grade are no longer the same folks and that I've moved on? I'm having so much trouble with this these days. I'll be moving back to Los Angeles within 2 years and I think that I am afraid of confronting the changes within that small community I call friends and family.
Why, you ask?
The adventure of doing an act on a whim is always exciting. What will happen? How will and what will people respond with? This is my journey into that unexpected world of technological vomit.
I am still living in 1994. My access to this thing called "the Internet" is still new and bizarre, believe it or not. I don't know the proper conduct of oneself that should be observed as I'm trolling through the billions of bits of information and distractions. Who cares? I'm not here to shove my important life-views down your throat; nor to tell you what's cool and what's not. It's all relevant eh?
But I am here to share my P.O.V. Just to let it out in this journal-like fashion. I want to know what YOU think. Does what I speak about ring any bells for you? I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING! Is this so much to ask?
I want to know everything from several vantage points because I believe that throught this knowledge, and the knowledge of religious science, I can find the true meaning of life. This is my journey.
Specifically, this year, I've discovered that I must know the reason of our existance. On Earth, with the ability to think with introspection, feelings, pathways...these are all ideas that fascinate me.
Why have we been given this ability to think? Why are we given this intelligence yet so many people deny it and live a superficial version of Life. Simulacrum such as a mannequin in a window display? You cannot easily concede that we are just alive to get married and procreate! How can one judge the value of a life if that is ALL we are here for?
No, we were specifically chosen to carry the burden of thought. Is it to help others? Are we puppets of some omnipotent force? Are the atheists right in their idea that this is the only life that is important and we must make the best of it because there is no afterlife? Are we reincarnated 99 times until we learn the appropriate lessons?
Where has mysticism gone to? It's probably a predictable thing for me to say (and I'm sure that generations before me have said the same thing) but I feel that I am from the last generation where anything had any real value. Though I am only 22, I see the next generation behind me as the vision of decay. Nothing is real for them.
I attend art school and naturally my wonder is of what will be the next movement/revolution. I see nothing but regurgitated versions of things past. In fact, everything that's glorified is vulgar and produced for shock value.
I am still living in 1994. My access to this thing called "the Internet" is still new and bizarre, believe it or not. I don't know the proper conduct of oneself that should be observed as I'm trolling through the billions of bits of information and distractions. Who cares? I'm not here to shove my important life-views down your throat; nor to tell you what's cool and what's not. It's all relevant eh?
But I am here to share my P.O.V. Just to let it out in this journal-like fashion. I want to know what YOU think. Does what I speak about ring any bells for you? I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING! Is this so much to ask?
I want to know everything from several vantage points because I believe that throught this knowledge, and the knowledge of religious science, I can find the true meaning of life. This is my journey.
Specifically, this year, I've discovered that I must know the reason of our existance. On Earth, with the ability to think with introspection, feelings, pathways...these are all ideas that fascinate me.
Why have we been given this ability to think? Why are we given this intelligence yet so many people deny it and live a superficial version of Life. Simulacrum such as a mannequin in a window display? You cannot easily concede that we are just alive to get married and procreate! How can one judge the value of a life if that is ALL we are here for?
No, we were specifically chosen to carry the burden of thought. Is it to help others? Are we puppets of some omnipotent force? Are the atheists right in their idea that this is the only life that is important and we must make the best of it because there is no afterlife? Are we reincarnated 99 times until we learn the appropriate lessons?
Where has mysticism gone to? It's probably a predictable thing for me to say (and I'm sure that generations before me have said the same thing) but I feel that I am from the last generation where anything had any real value. Though I am only 22, I see the next generation behind me as the vision of decay. Nothing is real for them.
I attend art school and naturally my wonder is of what will be the next movement/revolution. I see nothing but regurgitated versions of things past. In fact, everything that's glorified is vulgar and produced for shock value.
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