Self

No one has ever known me. I have been surrounded by people who laugh and party at the same place, but no one truly knows me. My whole life has been a struggle to gain an identity but very few people can converse about these things as a general topic.

I am in that 1.5 generation split. I am Korean-American born in southern California. There are millions like me born of the same generation but I can't seem to find anyone that gets it. I think it's the narcissism that sets in. Yes, I am talking about myself and the questions that I have, but I want to know what others have to say about this. I think Brian Regan says it best when he encounters the "Me Monster." I can't seem to have a decent conversation about this with anyone without it turning into a monologue about themselves.

I am not truly Korean nor am I American. What the hell is American culture? I see it as the commercialization of holidays and a collection of racists. We are the drunk little brother of our older European brother. It's a frat party over here with guns and daddy's bank account. But at the same time I cannot agree to this entirely because it is the country that gave my family a fresh start. My parents moved here so that my brother and I could pursue careers with less social pressures.

But that doesn't mean anything! My parents moved here for "us" but I'm still expected to become a doctor/lawyer (wouldn't that be nice if I were both?) and hold a reputation with the Korean community that my mother is involved in. She talks shit about me to my face but I've learned that she speaks of me with the highest regard to her friends. Beefing me up to look like the perfect daughter.

This has caused a number of other psychological problems for myself and my family members. My father has dealt with it with violent alcoholism and my mother found herself as a born-again Christian. There is no in-between with them.

Ahhh but what is it to be Korean? To judge everyone and live as an elitist? To find success and happiness ONLY if you are making over $90,000 annually? To suppress any negativity to the point where you are beaten by your husband daily because the stew is not perfect?

You don't have to be Korean to understand what I mean. Anyone with any thoughts that differ from the outline that society has set for you is welcome to input an opinion.